Ingrid,
Our 2 year old son died last year from a blood vessel popping in his brain. The grief is so harsh. We've always been Jaco fans. How long did it take you and your family to be able to smile, while remembering Jaco. It's only been a year for us, it's been almost 20 years for you. My son Gavin used to dance to Weather Report while his Dad was pracicing it. When daddy would practice, Gavin would take out his "Wiggles" guitar and play along with Dad. I would love to think that Jaco is up there showing Gavin a thing or two. Love, Tam

Listening To: Weather Report

Tammy, I know you addressed this to Ingrid but I wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. As a new dad I can not fathom the grief you speak of. You will be in my thoughts.

Oh, that's so awful. I don't know if it helps, but I gave up a child as well, and I took care of her for almost two years full time. She's still alive though, so I guess it's different. It was the right thing to do, because well, it wasn't me (I had to say that), but it's complicated. She used to dance to a lot of Weather Report too. And most importantly, "If you love someone, Set them free". "You can't tear the one you love apart". I hope that helps. I'm seeing a lot of illnesses of all kinds lately. fpatrick@rcn.com is my contact, if you think I can help. Am so sorry. I know how it hurts, but this is different. I find my daughter on Google, and she seems to be a star, but I don't think I'll ever see her again. It's complicated and it involves a different world, I guess. I just hope that helps

Listening To: Continuum

I know you didn't ask me, but I'll just say that I never got over losing a child. I don't think that's something most people do get over. Someone explained anger to me in 2 sentences. I mostly don't think about it but I know every once in a while it will upset me - then I just let it go again. I'll send you the story. I'd like to post it but I'd have to think about that. I'll just say, I'll never see my daughter again, I don't think. Her mother was a victim of McLean's Mental ward, which as common dumping ground for rich people's problem children in the 60's and 70's. and has a personality disorder and is disassociative, so I couldn't have my daughter grow up thinking her mother was evil because she wasn't. Her parents screwed up and every once in a while it gets to me but I just let it go. It's the best I can do. I'm understanding her parents a lot better too, even as time goes on. I say I won't see my daughter again because, I kind of took some kind of blame that I don't know about, but it's not that. It's just a different world when people have probably a hundred million dollars, I'm guessing. So, I'll never see her again - I'd be kind of spooked if she sought me out because I'd have to finess that if it happened in the next 6 years. I'm kind of preparing for it. Being dissociative means that part of your mind can't see another part. They really never understood that one, I'm told. But, on the bright side, we really did something. I'm just middle class again, and I'm going with the flow. I'm doing better than most, it feels like. But, if you're up for reading 'long' posts, I've been doing some. I'm sorry, I can't really describe what I'm feeling in too few words. And the situation is complex as you can see. I've been a bit circumspect about the topic, but I think I've been discreet. I am losing people to illness and the health care system now, though. I'm seeing all kinds of panic and health problems of all kinds. I guess I'm kind of used to things being hard, so I am dealing with it and I'm ok. But, maybe you can see that I probably will never see her again. I'm not sure what is harder. I've heard from others that most people never really 'get over' this type of loss. It just gets easier as time goes by. But, I'm just thowing out ideas. I'm not one to ever liken my reality to anyone else's. It's dehumanizing to do that I think, so don't mistake this message for that. I'm not angry about that now. I am angry about losing people to the health care system in the USA because it's really broken. I just tell everyone this: This is my reality, maybe you can find something in it that you can adapt to yours. And again, I use song lyrics to express things, because they are written by great artists who take a great deal of time to craft them. So, it's all subjective I think, but there is some commonality and compassion and empathy still left, though it seems in short supply now. I will say that going through the experience was something I'd never want to go through again, but it did teach me that I could handle things I couldn't imagine would happen to me and be all right. I got through that (and it was more than I'll say here) but it was persecution that really got to me. I have had it with that, because it's just wrong. So, I don't claim to understand your reality, but this may help -
"I can tell you all I know, the where to go the what to do. You can try to run but you can't hide from what's inside of you." That's from Donald Fagen and Walter Becker (i.e. - Steely Dan) That's the subjective reality and if you'd like to hear that old song, it's at http://users.rcn.com/fpatrick/shared/any_major_dude.htm. That's all I can say for now, but it connects a lot together for me. I sure hope that helps and I have to help others - it's just who I am, so if there's anything you'd like to know, or something I can do, please ask. Take care and I hope you got something out of this. I know it's long, but this isn't a topic that can be explained casually.

Take care,
Miles

Listening To: Fast Car